I grew up knowing that to be loved is tough, to be loved is to earn things. In my dictionary, in order to be loved, I must have achieved something first. I need to prove something to earn the love I think I deserve.
I thought love is when I have to be punished first. I thought love is when I have to suffer first. I thought love is hard.
I thought loving me is hard.
For years, I long for love. I wanted to feel like those books that I read and those movies that I watched. I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to be addicted to love.
When I finally know love, I am addicted to it. So addicted that I poured all my love, yet it turned out the love that I had to share overflowed. The love that I thought would beautifully cascading into someone’s void became too much for them. Then the addiction became too intoxicating. The love withered within time, and none of us could revive it anymore.
I sweared to not trust love and be careful when I encounter love again.
But then you came.
I always thought it was the universe’s clever move to unite us in the right moment.
I haven’t known you for a long time, yet it already felt like a lifetime. Being with you made me realize that love is gentle. With every stroke of your fingers to mine, you poured your love onto my heart that’s been aching of void for a long time. After years of dark nights of promises to not trust love again, I finally feel safe.
With you, love is when you smile at me for just being who I am. Love is when you kiss my wounds and caress my scars. Love is when you embrace my fears and ensure me they won’t haunt me again. Love is when you promised me to work on us.
In the cold nights where my demons are keeping me awake, your love feels like a warm blanket.
To you,
My hands are forever yours to hold, and my shoulder are forever yours to lean on.
