I’ve been dealing with anxiety for about two years now. I know too well about the sensations on my body every time it strikes me. My body feels restless almost every time, I often forgot how it feels to be relaxed.
It’s there when I’m about to sleep, my mind can’t relax, making my brain creating scenarios from A-Z. It’s there when I’m asleep, showing up in my dreams so vividly I thought it was my reality and waking me up countless times. It’s there when I’m awake, making my heart beats so fast, waking up to sweaty feet and palms. It’s there when I’m doing something, keeps telling me that something’s wrong, making me anticipating things that even I am not sure of. Every minute is a constant fight-or-flight condition. I couldn’t relax at all.
Even if I’m doing some mundane daily tasks, sometimes it came in waves of thoughts that made my body cannot function at all. Sometimes I feel like that was the closest I was to death, with my body hyperventilated, I couldn’t feel my hands, my vision blurred, and I lost my balance.
I’ve tried everything most people recommended to overcome the anxiety. But it’s still there, not wanting to leave me alone. Meditation? Not really for me. Yoga? Tried it in my darkest time once and fell in love with how my body moves through every asanas, and doing it regularly helps to reducing the frequency of the anxiety haunting me. Journaling? Been doing it for years and I don’t see significant effects to my anxiety. Going to therapy? I thought this was the last resort, but I regret not doing it sooner because it does wonders to my restless mind.
But did it completely go away? No, I am still living with it everyday for almost two years. But it did get more manageable. Some days are still pretty tough to go through, but I made it to the end of the day anyway.
Making peace with anxiety is hard, I often wonder what can I do if anxiety does not exist in my mind. I could easily change the world, perhaps.
I am currently learning to see it as a part of me, of course someday I wish it will be all gone, but for now I’d try to accept it and acknowledge that it’s there, somewhere on the corner of my mind.
