It’s the midnight of the last day of 2024, and I’m alone in my room waiting for this day to come. I’ve always liked to write about these kind of things, to really reflect back on how I’ve lived my life in the past year. It’s kind of a melancholic experience as well, to look back in ways I have transformed and grew in the span of 366 days.
The year was pretty much bumpy, yet was a memorable one for sure.
In short, 2024 for me feels like 2022 all over again. Felt like I lived two different lives in the same year. I might repeat again what I said two years ago, which in the first half I lived the life the way I planned to, and then things took a turn in the second half. Not entirely a bad thing, but just… life always surprises me in unexpected ways.
Ways that I couldn’t imagine I’d go through those things, but yet I am so grateful that life handed me those surprises — otherwise I wouldn’t have the courage to do things in ways that I should do.
The second half of the year was a big life reset for me. I though I’ve lost everything; every constants I had in my life, and somehow felt like I’ve lost my anchor. Little did I know, it was the change that I needed the most.
Change is scary but so is staying the same.
If usually I start with the good ones first, now I refuse to distinguish between good and bad, as one situation could have both sides of the coin. Good wouldn’t exist without the bad, and vice versa. So now I will embrace both the good and the bad, and learned from it.
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Finally learned how I’d love to be loved — For years I craved the love that I’ve created in my imagination, and for some reason it seemed impossible. But that has changed, as someone showed me love that even though it wasn’t familiar, but turned out as the love that I needed.
I finally knew how I would love to be loved. I crave both deep and mundane conversations, I want fun day & night outs, I long to be held and supported when I feel so weak, I yearn for the quality times spent amidst our busy schedules, and I like sharing cat memes in between of it all. I got it all, and in that moment I felt the happiest, the most loved I’ve ever been. It felt like the love that’s strange, but turned out as the one that I’ve longed for.
It’s not always the grand gestures, it’s the little things that made up the love; brick by brick, until the shelter that I kept looking for is built within me. Home. Where I felt safe, safe enough to trust, safe enough to give my unconditional love, safe enough that it felt like warm blanket wrapped all around me.
Know you are loved, as he often said. I was surely am back then. I was loved, I am loved, and will always be.
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I failed on love (again) but that’s okay — Oh the irony when I thought it was going to be my last, since I finally know how to be loved and to love.
You know when they say you find the right love, it triggered the hell out of you. Through that strange yet safe love, I discovered my deep wounds that I haven’t tended for much more time.
Those wounds somehow swept up the shelter that we built, and in split second we found ourselves floating on uncertainty, further drifted us apart. That’s what happened, the fault was on me as it was on him.
This was a pretty much the first mature break up that we both went through. The grief felt like a thousand paper cuts that stung. Grief is proof that I’ve loved well, and I didn’t regret a single thing to have loved someone so dearly. We fall in love and fucked up, I fall in love and fucked up, and that’s okay.
Through grief, I learned. I learned to realize how much love I have within myself, I learned how sincere and honest I could love someone, I learned how my untended wounds could destroy it all — I learned, so when love comes again, I’d be ready to welcome it with open arms.
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Took a sabbatical — This was a quite big surprise coming from me. I’ve imagined my whole life to be an engineer working on big, prestigious projects, and when I already did, I quit. I quit because I finally realize that I wasnt.. happy? I’ve worked hard enough but it didn’t feel fulfilling for me.
My original escape plan was to do master’s degree, but I failed on the first attempt. Escape plan A failed. I tried again on the second round, but that means I won’t be leaving until 2025, so I thought I will stay until next year. As days go by, I got exhausted and burnt out even more. So then I took the leap: Escape plan B. I quit, without having a safety net. Was it scary? Oh boy for a Type A girl like me, it sure was.
I got the scholarship at last, but again, it means I won’t be leaving until next year. What should I do now? I tried looking for a job but in this economy — it’s capitalized, bold, underlined HARD. I forgot life works in mysterious ways, and so in the most unexpected ways, I got offered a place in a place I couldn’t even imagine, and I took upon the challenge. That means I’ll let go of my scholarship, but that’s for another story.
Since I got another job that will start next year, then I’d have more free time before I got busy again, and so I took upon another life challenges that I’ll explain in the next points. Anyway, the career change that I took was surely the best decision I’ve ever taken so far in the 24 years I’ve lived in this world (hopefully).
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Focused more on my health and wellness — This is the first year where gym has became the routine in my life, and I don’t regret it ever since. I started gym in the last of 2023 to regain back my strength in my right hand, and I’ve considered it as my biggest investment for myself so far. Having a gym routine in my week has impacted many aspects in my life — I started sleeping early, I enjoyed walking to the bus stop after work, and my yoga routine came into place as well.
Whenever I trained in gym alone, the trainers often asked me, “what are your goals in gym?”. Funny thing is, I don’t really have a goal; I don’t do gym to get bulky or build muscle, I do gym just to feel good about my body and balancing my main exercise that is yoga. I don’t know why people are so fixated in so called ‘goals’, rather than enjoying the process as it is. I don’t really set goals to myself to lift certain weights et cetera, my sole goal is just to feel good.
Related to the sabbatical that I took and the heartbreak that I’ve gone through, I took a yoga teacher certification. I’ve been thinking this for a pretty long time, especially when I decided to quit my job, and finally got the courage to do so.
Man, it was around 2,5 months of life changing and humbling journey. I learned yoga deeper, and discovered that yoga is way way way more than just asanas. Yoga, as it’s considered as mind, body, and soul connection, is more than challenging poses you see on social media. I kind of dislike how social media depicted yoga as certain peak poses only, when there are long journey to get there, and that’s what makes yoga as yoga.
I had the humbling opportunity to share my journey through the classes I’ve held in the last part of 2024, and I love how I can share my love of yoga to others. I really look forward to be able to share more in the coming year!
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Doing something solely for myself — This heavily stems from the episode where I felt like I lost all my constants in my life; my career, and my relationship. Although I finally realized quitting my job and getting out of the relationship was the much needed break for myself this year.
I had no other options to do with my spare times except for spending it on myself and myself only. I might seem kind of egocentric sometimes, but I am as selfless as I am selfish (sometimes). My time alone forced me to do something solely for myself.
Boy oh boy how good it felt. I took a painting class just because I wanted to. I took a yoga certification just because I wanted to. I took my business seriously just because I wanted to. I took a nearly two-weeks trip to Bali just because I wanted to. I stopped applying for a job for a while because I wanted to.
Just because I wanted to. And I could. And I did.
It’s the feeling of liberation that made me realize, throughout most of the time I’ve lived in this world, I mostly live my life for someone’s expectations and validations. I forgot to think of what I really wanted.
Now I know how to prioritize myself more, I apologize in advance if I become more selfish than usual in the coming year.
I have so many things to look forward to in the new year, especially with the heavy transformation and reset in the end of 2024. I am both scared and excited for the new things to come, but I am ready to ride with the waves.
I’ve said this and will say it again: I’ve grown so much, I’ve changed so much, and I’ve learned so much in the past year.
I am grateful for all the risks I’ve taken.
Out of the sheer joy of being alive: salvation comes through risk — without that, life is not worth living!
Happy new year.
