I have this little tradition thing with myself to make a recap of my life every year (if not, every 6 months because I tend to get too overwhelmed if I have to do a year-long recap). Since I’m quite a visual person, I usually document my life in a form of pictures and videos. I think pictures and videos can evoke my feelings deeper than words, but I forgot I’m also a quite forgetful person (see?), so later in the year I tend to forget what happened in the pictures or videos. Hence, I will do my 2022 recap in the form of words and sentences to give a narrative to my gallery.
It’s quite late that it is now two weeks into 2023 (and by the time I finished writing this it’s now the end of the January), and only now I have the thought to reflect back to the things I’ve been through in the last year. I’ve been avoiding it actually, I keep refraining from doing this because I don’t want to revisit the bad memories I had. But then I thought, I’ve had my rough patches here and there, but there are also many good things happened.
I felt like I lived two different lives the entirety of 2022 — the first half of the year is how I imagined my year will go, having it planned out on the beginning of the year and it went exactly how I designed my life to be. Things that happened in the second half of the year, I didn’t even have them in my menu but life decided to serve it all on my table. If my 2022 were a rollercoaster, the first half is just the climb that’s going slow and steady. Suddenly, the ride is suspended on the crest of the hill, and I wished I could stay there forever because I know what will happen next. And then comes the second half — the drop. The feeling you get when you experience the drop is exactly how I felt during my second half of the year — a little bit mix of wanting to die and excitement (but more of wanting to die feeling).
I was surprised of the person I’ve become in the second half of the year. If I were to tell myself in the beginning of the year of the things that I went through and did throughout the year, most definitely I won’t even believe it. I’ve grown so much, experienced many things, met many people. In fact, I did a lot of things that I know exactly I wouldn’t have done it in the first place. I also met a lot of people — lots of interesting people — and I was happy making new friends. I was quite a closed-off person, and didn’t really have the skill to befriend new people, but I’m glad I got to open myself up to new connections.
Some of my friends had told me I’ve changed during the second half of the year. I don’t know if they mean it in a positive way or the opposite, but strangely I don’t think I’ve changed much. I’ve grown, yes, but deep inside I’m still me. But I kind of get what they mean though, I’ve grown therefore now I know things that worked and did not worked for me. I’ve learned from my mistakes therefore I’m stronger than before and learned to build walls to protect myself.
I’ll start with my good ones to start with a more positive notes:
Started a business — Growing up, I’ve always wanted to run a business and have the freedom of doing what I love and getting paid for it. I’ve run a few small business back in school, but never really serious about it and of course it didn’t last long (what do a school student know about running a business anyway, right?).
Gift-giving has always been my love language. I like to give my closest ones gift to show them that I care. And since I started baking, the excitement of giving my first bakes to my loved ones has always been something that I look forward to. Seeing them smile after receiving it and seeing their reactions to my bakes always make my heart warm. My friends like my baked goods so much that they always encourage me to sell it.
At first, my past business experiences made me questioned my decision to start a new business, but because lots of supports I got from people around me, I’ve finally got the courage to do so. And it easily became one of the best decisions I made last year. I get to do what I love, and get paid for it, and make people happy!
Finally able to read maps — Okay this should be a basic skill that everyone should master, but believe me it is actually hard to actually get a grip to understand it. I studied architecture for years, I should have mastered the wayfinding and reading map skill right? Wrong, I have failed architecture school by having the worst wayfinding skill ever. It is so bad that I can’t even point out directions and read the maps. Plus, my whole life I’ve always been a passenger princess with little to no contribution to the driver. I mean, I sucked at reading maps so what can I do?
Until finally I decided I will no longer be a pretty passenger princess with absolutely no use whatsoever and I will become a strong independent woman who drives herself everywhere. And last year I became one! Driving is not that hard and not that scary though, I’m surprised I actually enjoy driving. In weekends now I could drive myself with no directions, just drive around the city until I get bored and go home.
But if I go somewhere I am not familiar, I will need a map to be able to go home. That’s where I’m forced to train my wayfinding & reading map skill. After reading a few tutorials, actually searched up tips & tricks to easily read the maps, and actually put them to test, I now declare that I have mastered the reading the map skill.
(P.s. sorry for the people who used to ask me to read the map, I know I sucked back then. And now I understand your frustration if someone else points out the wrong direction to you)
Solo trip — I’ve always wanted to go on one, but then again I wasn’t very courageous to do so. I was too scared of the what ifs — what if I get lost? What if I get kidnapped? What if, what if? But last year I decided to get rid of the thinking and impulsively bought a plane ticket, booked a hotel, plus bought a concert ticket in Singapore. I was scared of going on a solo trip in another city, but I decided to be brave enough to start my solo trip in another country.
I only got myself the whole trip (well not really because I did meet up with my friend), and the trip forced me to have a talk with myself, to walk with myself, to go on a kind of date that I dreamed of with myself. It’s not as scary as I thought it would be, but I think it’s because I’m used to go everywhere alone so I don’t feel weirded out when I went alone. And the plus point of going somewhere alone is I got to do whatever the hell I want without asking for someone’s permission. I got to visit the place that I’ve always wanted without having to think if the other person would like to go to that place. I got to try many foods that I’ve been curious enough to try without having to think if the other person would like it too. It feels so freeing!
Though I do kind of feel a bit lonely whenever I saw something interesting or when I did something exciting, I didn’t have anyone to share those excitement with. I admit I was a little closed off too during the trip. I didn’t make any new friends because I wasn’t really feeling it, I just want to be alone with myself. But that’s okay! I wrote things in my journal as if I was writing to someone. I did actually wrote to some of my friends about my trip though, because I want them to feel what I’m feeling through that trip.
Overall it was a very good experience, and a very nice way to learn to be comfortable with yourself. I am planning to do another solo trip every year, as a gesture to appreciate myself more.
Getting to know myself better — funnily enough, out of all years I’ve lived through, it is only in 2022 that I’ve finally done things that are actually what I wanted to do. Some of them are silly things, but lots of them are some things that I’m proud of, and here are some of them:
I’ve always wanted to dye my hair, and it is only in 2022 that I’ve fulfilled my curiosity to dye my hair. It is a safe color of course, a very safe color in fact. It’s just a caramel brown color and people can’t really see it unless they see it under the sun. But it made me so happy knowing that if I was outside under the sun, my hair is no longer boring black but instead has a brown glimmer in it. So, one thing checked off my bucket list!
I’ve been into yoga since college, but I rarely do it since I only do it whenever I feel sad or stressed, because yoga helps me to be more mindful. But I don’t know how I started yoga again last year, maybe I was immensely sad that I need something to ground myself to the present. I don’t even remember. But I’m glad I’m back into yoga last year, and started doing it more frequently. I didn’t even realize what my body could do, and yoga makes me realize that I’m capable of doing things I didn’t think I would. I didn’t even realize I like exercising that much too, since I was the kind of person who rarely moves. But I’m kind of surprised that ever since I started yoga again, I can’t help being still and I feel like I need to always move. So then I started to run, do pilates, even try bootcamps. So yay to a more healthy life!
Last year is my first year living off of my own income, and only then I’ve learned that working is hard. We do things that make us stressed out everyday just to get a decent amount of money in the 25th. But I am glad I’ve grown so much professionally last year. Who would’ve thought I would be brave enough to lead couple of meetings everyday, go on a endless phone calls everyday, be assertive enough and telling orders to people everyday. Then I got paid on the 25th, then I have to sort out my finances to be able to live until the next 25th while having to save up to be able to afford another bucket lists. Earning your own money is exciting, but also very tiring, but I’m grateful for it.
Getting out of my shell — I wasn’t a person that’s easy to approach, I think. I’m very closed-off at the beginning if we don’t know each other, so I think that’s why it’s hard for me to make new friends. But I was surprised that this year I kind of broke my shell that I’ve always put on whenever I met someone new. Weirdly enough it’s now pretty easy for me to talk to someone I’ve just met minutes before.
I was thankful I wasn’t as closed-off as before, because last year I got to meet lots of interesting people with interesting stories — which made me learn a lot. I’m glad I was able to open myself up more, because I always thought making new friends in your 20s is hard, but actually it’s not!
Now to balance it out, I’ve been through these things too that made me grow in the past year:
Dealing with loss — if anything, one thing I learned the hard way last year is: nothing is permanent. Be it happiness, sadness, relationship, or friendship, it’ll come to an end eventually. One wouldn’t be constantly happy, and one wouldn’t be constantly sad either. Last year I lost a friend, my relationship ended, my happiness seem to be far gone, and my sadness clings to me tighter.
I admit I’m still having a hard time dealing with loss. I feel as though nothing and no one can console me. Grieving is something that I do everyday. I mean I know that nothing is permanent, I know that people will leave me eventually. I know that I’m sad now, but it won’t be permanent and I will find my happiness eventually.
Through the past year I have learned to validate what I feel, and that’s okay, I’m not overreacting. I have my own way on dealing with loss.
Understanding my emotions — I always feel like I can feel a wide range of emotions. So wide that sometimes I can’t understand it, and it only makes me frustrated. At first I thought that it’s weird that literally anything can provoke my emotions. Being told as sensitive, or emotional, or you name it, is something that I experienced a lot. Sometimes I think that too to myself, that I am too sensitive, too emotional, too much. I was so fixated on those labels, that I wasn’t aware it made me hard to communicate my feelings.
I eventually figured out maybe I don’t understand my emotions, and that’s why sometimes it’s confusing for me to understand ‘why am I feeling/acting like this?’, and that’s why I sometimes can’t communicate my feelings clearly. It’s not that I’m too emotional, but it’s just that I can feel emotions beyond ‘sad’, or ‘happy’, or ‘anger’, but I wasn’t aware of them at first.
Being more aware of my emotions take a lot of work, and I’m still working on that too as I’m writing this. One of the favorite ‘homework’ I got on this understanding my emotions journey is having an Emotional Diary. Basically what I do is I write what I feel, the intensity of the emotions, physical reactions of my body towards what I feel, and what I was thinking when I feel the emotions. It really helps me to be more aware of what I’m currently feeling, and helps me to be more mindful of the actions that I take.
Accepting your flaws and mistakes — I used to be in a bad relationship with all my flaws and mistakes. I’d hide my flaws and I’d deny my mistakes. I’d look at my flaws and tell myself that I wasn’t good enough. I’d look at my mistakes and all I feel was regret, followed by the ‘what ifs’ mentality. It’s hard living with that kind of thinking, it only makes me feel like I’m not enough, or I’m not worthy.
Until one day I decided that I have to start turning my loathing into acceptance. Maybe I shouldn’t have to wish that what I have is different, or maybe I shouldn’t have to wish that I’d do something different. Maybe what I should do is releasing the pressure I put to myself and learn to accept things. I’m starting to learn to embrace my flaws and own my mistakes. By doing it, I’m learning to accept myself as it is and have a better relationship with myself too.
I’m a flawed human being, I’m ripped at some of the edges, I have my wounds, and I have my mistakes. And that’s okay.
You’re on your own, you always have been — I once saw an Instagram post where it illustrates the relationship people have and how it grew over the time. I remembered I stared to this illustration for a long time, thinking that at some point we’ll get so close to someone, but eventually we’ll part ways. Even the parent relationship, at some point one of the line stops and the other line is continue moving. It’s like the only constant line is the line that represent us.
People in our lives serve their purposes, and when theirs are done, so are their time & presence in our life. This is something that I kind of learned the hard way, especially to let someone go from my life. But when I think of this concept, it makes me easier to understand why some people in my life have to go. I mean, at some point I was that people too in other people’s life.
But one thing that I find hard to do and I’m still learning to do, is to always rely on someone. I realize that I do this a lot, and when it’s their time to go, it’s hard for me to stop relying on them and do things by myself. I’m getting better at this though, I feel like I’m more comfortable with myself now than before.
I’m learning to love myself like I love anyone else, I’m learning to rely on myself like I rely on anyone else, and I’m learning to be my own friend like I befriend anyone else.
Well, in the end we only have ourselves right?
And for the new year, I will start my new year with ease. I used to go big on goals and resolutions, making milestone checklists of things that I have to achieve every months, but the thought of doing that this year makes me feel overwhelmed. So instead, I’ll just see where life will take me, I’ll just float in the waves.
I’ve grown so much, I’ve changed so much, and I’ve learned so much from the past year.
I hope this year will treat me better than before.
